Two Pictures of Waiting

On May 3rd I was given a bouquet of Stargazer Lilies which had not yet bloomed, by a boy that has indeed become close to my heart. Stargazer lilies I thought to myself, I LOVE these. How could he have known? The fragrance, the vibrant color, the unique curve of each bloom yet the similar star shape of each. I could go on.

Clearly I was excited, and impatient by the end of day 2. My flowers where still only pods and to my eye they had started to loose their luster. 

On the morning of day 3 I stood in my kitchen listening to my morning coffee brew and I stared at them: Why would they not bloom? Had they not been bought for my pleasure and enjoyment? Wasn't there purpose to bring the sweet fragrance into my home? sigh. I would wait yet another day.

That night the flower buyer asked me, "How are your flowers?" to which I began my lament on how excited I was, and how sad I was that my Joy for what was to come in my flowers had not been met. How all I wanted was just one to bloom and then, then I would be happy. No. Actually I wanted all of them to bloom and then I would be happy...but this waiting was starting to wear on me. To which he smiled and looked at my impatient (acting) 5 year old sad face and said, "Melinda, think of it this way: If its taking five days to bloom, then you have five more days to enjoy them, than if they where blooming on the first day that I gave them to you, and you will be able to enjoy them for even longer" 

I paused... shook my head. How correct was he, when all I could do was sit in front of them and say OPEN, OPEN, OPEN like that stupid Mervyn's Commercial! As if being sad, staring at them, would make my waiting shorter. 

The next few days I enjoyed the pod's, I enjoyed the essence of the wait. I began to anticipate the beauty that would be coming with out even being able to see any progress. 

On March 11th, EIGHT 8 DAYS LATER, such a long time to wait, my first pod BLOOMED! Over the next few days I watched each one open in their own time making the vase look prettier and prettier and if I am honest my allergies getting stronger and stronger.  (Yeah I moved them to my room the second they started blooming...yeah I am suffering ha ha, worth it)

As this process moved forward I was struck by the by the fact that this is SO our lives. I claim that I am waiting on the Lord, and the reality is that I am sad, impatient and I don't believe that the end result will be as beautiful. I subconsciously believe that as I wait on God with each passing day the answer will loose its value. If one is truly honest they will find that while waiting on the Lord as trying as it is, that he indeed will fulfill our every needs, often larger than we can imagine, in ways we never thought.

Why do we sit staring wishing and hoping that the "pods" of our life will open today? Why do we question the God of the universe as if he has not and will not answer us? Why in the days I wait do I think I do not hear his voice?

Truth is I hear his voice in the waiting. I choose to anticipate the beauty that is ahead of me, even thought it is hard to wait.

1st'

This year has been a year of firsts'

I started actually a little before this year started...in fact this blog has been part of that journey.

I realized that I have lived in this town Santa Cruz as a college student 5 summers, and as an adult, now starting my 3rd year. Its this third year and the third thought of: Why do we, (being myself and friends) always go to the same locations to eat and play? Why not explore? Why not be open to all that is out there. Going to new places that I have never been is part of that journey.

I have always been safe and practical. i walk in life very very carefully. I am afraid of many things, but the unknown scares me the most. So when I started writing this blog the Theme "Be Open" was something God had really been impressing on my heart for months before. Its a total God thing that this year for our Mexico team, our theme that we stumbled across was and is "Wide open", Todd had no idea where God was taking my heart in this year 3. That has only encouraged my journey.

So as I have walked through this year it indeed has been full of mixed emotions, and trying to listen to my heart, trying to mend things as soon as they need to be mended, changes in life in love, changes in friendships, changes in ministry, changes in students lives, changes in family. All things are not easy, but this year has been about being open to things for the first time. My eyes have been in awe daily, and my heart has been in a fragile place. 

But this I know as truth:

"But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait for it patiently." Romans 8:25

I cannot say that this wait in life has been or will be something where patience is easy...because that has proven to not be true. Alas for the first time in my life God is working on helping me understand what it means to wait. He for the first time is granting me some of the desires of my heart. He for the first time is teaching me how to Trust Him more than I care to admit or acknowledge until now. He is granting me Hope through people and Vistas in my life. How grateful a

nd how intrigued i am for what lies ahead.  Mi Vida is an Open Road. I have not idea what lies ahead but I am Taking this Journey forward, and honestly thats a first.

Waiting Inevitability

If you didn't know already I have been involved last year and this year in "Come Away's" Basically once a month from 9 - 3 pm I am involved in a guided spiritual retreat. 

I was looking back at my journal for the month of November...and Its just Funny how God has been keeping this topic so close to my heart, for the last really 3 months...and I suppose that indeed it will continue for a few months more! Here are my thoughts and quotes that touched my heart throughout the of solitude and reflection.

Waiting...

"To wait apon God is Not a fruitless wast of time or a sign of inefficient, ineffective prayer: it is our God - given work, our assigned task." Margaret Guenther 

"Waiting develops a willingness to be changed, a time for God to Act upon me as I wait for further direction & deeper Understanding."

This quote makes me wonder if I actually believe it. I know that it does create a willingness to change, as I have seen that in my walk, even though I am not always willing to be changed. To change brings on fear, fear makes me stubborn (and we know how stubborn I already am), frozen, and holding my breath. I find for me, at times I wait well and calm, and other times I am no longer calm and in no way do I look like a person that waits well. Fear often overcomes me.

"The invitation to wait, especially during Advent, is to allow God to fill the open receptacle of my heart with God's spirit."

My hesitation: How God do I know when you have filled me?

              Which Brings me this picture: Filling a coffee cup @ a convenience store. 

                                                     (I travel a lot...its my only connection with energy on long drives)

How do you know its full? I don't want to pull away thinking its full and Short myself my Vanilla Cap! But if I don't let go early enough my cup it overflows & burns my hand. Am I fearful that you Lord will burn my hand? Its as if I wait on you, I believe I'm going to get too much and I will not be able to handle it. If I cannot wait for you My God, and I only receive a half portion, and I believe that it will sustain me. 

To often we pull away and don't wait for God's certain goodness. I suppose this is my journey. And I am reminded on a daily basis. To wait upon the Lord. 

A dear old friend sent me this verse, "Trust in the Lord, be still and wait patiently for Him. Fret not yourself." Psalm 37

  And so I wait.

Still moving Forward, but waiting on His Plan, His Schedule, His Patience.